Should I even be on meds?

Started this year off on Depakote as a main mood stabilizer, also started this year off with two visits from the PD (one my friend was concerned because I was hallucinating, another because I smashed the corner of a wall in which brought me to the ER just to say "I don't have a time, place, and method of killing myself or anyone else" and be discharged). Got switched to Trileptal and things didn't get much better. I stopped my meds and got better (started sleeping somewhat more regularly, didn't have to smoke weed to keep myself from felonious violent crimes, stopped self-harming, wasn't constantly thinking of killing myself) but was forced back on them via threat of IEA despite me telling them I was doing better and not calling their emergency line 2-5 times a day every day of the week. Not calling them at all.


Ha, now that I've been back on for a little over two weeks, I'm ready to pack my shyt and tell my landlord I'm just gonna live in a tent in the White Mountains for the spring/summer because there's no fuking fridge noises up there.

I don't know. Is it COINCIDENCE that I only felt better off meds and now that they've built up in my system again I'm all fked up again? If I don't feel okay on meds, regardless of what meds, do I REALLY have to take them just because an NP heard from my dad "she gets hyper and angry and sad" when I was 17 and I got the Bipolar label?

I was dumb and called my team's emergency line this morning. The person I talked to just wanted to hand me off to the ER or the Rapid Response team, but that will do NOTHING. She wanted me to eat today too. My mom was in the area so she picked me up and got me a hashbrown from McDonald's (well, she got two but I ate one). Better be enough for them! The med person said she'd tell my doc that eating isn't a thing I can really do as well as I should.

Anyway, gonna meet up with the ACT person I talked to this morning in a bit, and I'm not entirely sure I'm gonna stop my mouth from spewing violence so if y'all don't hear from me, you know where I am

We just got stupid fking smoothies and went to the Humane Society. I cried like half the time but I don’t think she even noticed because it was pretty much just her sitting at fking red lights.

I don’t want to live here either. I don’t know wtf is wrong with me. I was fking FINE before I got back on meds and now all I’m thinking about is dying while I’m counting my ribs in the mirror. I don’t know wtf to do. What DO I do?

Do you think you need to go IP?

I don't really know what looks like "needing to go IP" is. Do I feel safe with myself? No. I do know I will not once I get back from IP either, and I know they probably wouldn't admit me unless my team petitions for involuntary (because they can do an IEA if I am actively hurting myself without intent, but I can't go voluntarily because I'm not trying and don't have a set plan) because I do not have a specific plan including time, place, *and* method of severely injuring myself or other people.

But whatever. I always survive whether I want to or not.

Fridge noise is the worst, esp in a studio apartment. Its like living in the middle of the freeway. I have a teeny tiny fridge for my insulin, plus two other large boot shoebox size ones. I dont hear them. My real one broke down some years ago. I WAS just keeping stuff by the balcony door in the winter. I dont really want to get the big one replaced.

Hang in there.

It wasn't even bothering me at first. Now it's as bad as the heater in my bedroom at my mom's (which literally caused me to break a shovel and embed the handle in a fence).

edit: okay, just threw out everything in there and unplugged it, so I should be fine as long as I never use it.

Good idea to keep it unplugged for now. Take it easy on yourself.

I’m wondering if meds do anything good!

I am fairly certain with me the cons outweigh the pros.

But I have no control over stoping them so if I don’t stop them I’ll die and if I do stop them I’ll get locked up whether necessary or not and put back on them (and either not come out, or come out and die, so 🙃. )

(If I even make it to my pdoc appointment)

Last appointment: I’m off meds but I’m actually okay
Next appointment: I’m on meds but I can’t imagine feeling worse. You got what you wanted you pos. congrats. IHATE LIFE AGAIN AND I JUST WANT TO DIE!!!!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW???? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED???? AM I THAT HATED BY EVERYONE THAT IF I *DONT* WANT TO DIE I AM FORCED TO FET TO A PLACE I WANT TO OR AM THROWN INTO THE FKING DUNGEON????

Hugs!

How are you doing this afternoon? I took a nap but still feel spacey from the Vraylar like I did this morning. I drove home too! Probably shouldn’t have but I don’t think they’d let me stay there without actively still eating.

Is there anyway you can get a new evaluation done? I think they over diagnose people with BP too often.

Thinking about you!

How are you? I care about you! 💖

How are you doing muddy?

Has anyone heard from muddy today?

Her last post was the 15th. I hope she's safe.

Thinking of you @MuddyBoots. Touch base with us when you can!

Hey. So my eating disorder was worse than I thought— again back to “too sick for PHP but probably not going to die so can’t go inpatient.” With SI they managed to send me regular psych IP for a bit and there we tried getting in the ED clinics but, yeah, they suck. I have a bad gallbladder apparently too so have to stick to a low fat diet, take pantoprazole, sulfracrate, and follow up with my PCP in a few weeks. It might just be “sludgy” and low fat diet for a bit will calm it down or it could be dysfunctional and needs to be removed.

I’m on fking Zyprexa again, but only 2.5mg. They switched me from Focalin to Adderall too, which feels so much better.

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts guys. It’s good to know someone cares and will stick up for you even if you’ve never seen their face

It’s good to see you MuddyBoots! I hope the meds help

Welcome back @MuddyBoots. We were worried about you! So happy to see you back on the forums 😊

Hi Muddyboots! Glad you’re back!