L’s Maternity Leave

Today I had my session with T. It was okay. She is definitely not L. She is completely CBT. Like she mentioned changing thought patterns and anger is the tip of the iceberg. Stuff I no longer like. We did my self-care plan. It was horrible. Normally L comes up with great ideas. Understandably, I had to do most the work. But I miss the help. We talked about logistics for the insurance (which still isn’t determined). And then we talked about my feelings. I told her the truth. That’s when she mentioned the iceberg. Then we quickly talked about my hopeful next treatment and about my meds. And that was it. 50mins. It felt so hard to not only be with her and without L, but hard in that I don’t feel connected to her. But I don’t want to be without support.

Hugs to you, Scarlet. Was she mostly CBT when you were seeing her before? Just curious, as I don't recall that. I hope you can feel a bit more connected with her in time and that the insurance works out.

Dr. T will sometimes slip into CBT stuff, and I tend to reject it. It feels distancing. And like I'm handling things wrong. And too simplistic at times. So I get it.

Distancing is a great description, LT.

Our emotions are not meant to be a logic puzzle.

If we could change the way we thought about things 'automatically', we would not be in therapy.

Yeah. I’m with you two. If only I could change my thoughts. I mean sometimes I guess you can if you have facts or evidence that suggests otherwise. But being able to change them just because it would make you feel better? Also, of course there’s feelings beneath anger. A ***** ton! And I don’t have issues identifying or naming them: anger, grief, jealousy, betrayed, vulnerable, a huge one: fear. And more.

I don’t actually really T’s style. I know she was CBT, but I thought only a little. I thought she was also DBT. Maybe those skills didn’t apply yesterday? I remember being so attached to her. In the end, I was supposed to see her once a month, but I could only stand every other week. I was attached to her. I know T’s personality is very direct and to the point (expect when she says “what do you want to talk about today?”). She does a lot of skills work.

L has spoiled me. Spoiled me with all the attention and dependency that probably isn’t too health. Texting and emailing everyday, as one example, is dependency on each other to sustain our attachment needs. People always have a reason to do things. I do not believe we altruistic even if we think we are doing something purely for someone else’s good. So L has something to gain by showering with all the things I crave. And I let her give it to me. I am responsible for my own boundaries.

I don’t know how to reject advice from people. Even here, as you know, people got upset at me for many reasons, one being not taking people’s advice. I’m not trying to reject the support. I just disagree with the solution. So even with T, I don’t know how to tell her no to CBT. That might just be who she is.

There is one good thing she shared yesterday: an app. It’s like a feelings journaling app where you can track your feelings and see any patterns arise. It called How We Feel. I haven’t played around with it, but from what she’s shown me, I might actually use it.

I’m not looking forward to going back next Thursday. I’d rather see my pdoc than T. She did wrap up all my processing of emotions in like 10mins. The only thing that saved us from ending early was that it took 30mins to do my self-care plan. I always struggle with how to fill it out. L is so good at helping me.

Sorry for the novel! I have a lot going on inside me and could use support. I do appreciate everyone here’s support. So much.

94 more days… I haven’t even made it a week.

I forgot to add that I texted L yesterday that I was angry at her. If that text was the last before the baby or the first after the baby that she saw I’m going to be pissed at myself. L mentioned in a text that she thought the next few days will be intense. Maybe she knows she is ready? I really hope not. I really don’t want the text to remind her of my selfish struggles.

Yeah, CBT sounds kind of backwards to me. Or maybe not backwards, just ignoring half of the picture. Like, yes, changing thoughts can change emotions. But where do thoughts come from in the first place? I mean, CBT-like techniques helped me in the past, though I never had official CBT therapy. Maybe with a highly trained therapist it'd have helped more. Anyhow, a lot of those "replacement thoughts" I still don't actually believe. I can remind myself that what I believe is technically likely to be not true, and it's somewhat helpful, but it's ineffective beyond a certain depth. I think it's fair to say that these techniques just don't address your emotions at the level you need. I have even less experience with DBT. But sounds like it should be applicable in your situation?

Re: your thoughts about L. You're probably right that she gets something out of it herself. You're probably right to worry that her new daughter might change what she gets out of it and it might affect your relationship. And that'd suck, and would be unfair.

I wish your T were willing and able to help you untangle yourself for L somehow. And that L herself tried to help you with that instead of working to maintain this very deep involvement. It sounds impressive how good she is at accommodating your needs (less so than in the past, but still), and it's heartwarming that she cares so much, BUT clearly all of that still isn't good enough and realistically, it can't be a therapeutic goal to maintain this level of enmeshment indefinitely. The relationship itself yes, the caring and closeness yes, but whatever has been going on between you lately, just screams danger to me. So I guess I'm saying that I feel your fear is actually justified. Probably not the end-of-world scenario it likely feels for your needy parts, but a very real danger of getting (more) hurt.

I’m so used to whatever type of therapy L does. Psychodynamic? Where you talk and process and build a rapport. Well, I guess you still build a rapport in CBT and DBT. To be honest, I’m not a fan of either CBT or DBT. I can never remember what the words stand for. And I get using skills. I have skills. But I’ll admit that in the past 6 years, except for her last maternity leave, I have relied on her for my coping. She doesn’t see it that way. She thinks I’m coping while waiting for her. Not really. I’m just sleeping and distracting. Still doing that now.

Like I’ve admitted before, I’m addicted to L. Sometimes I wish she or T would stand up and say that this all is unhealthy. Force me to do it on my own. Because you know what? I actually, truthfully, don’t think I need constant therapy anymore. Everyone tells me this. I just need someone to be there in a crisis. But I’m addicted. I love getting her love and attention. And she encourages it. Like allowing me to text and email her on her leave. T was shocked about that. Sometimes I wonder how her husband feels about me. She must tell him when she steps away that it’s work or a client. I also wonder if L is more wrapped up in this relationship than even I am.

The thing is is that you have the power -it doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do -you can make a choice actually you are making your choice but you could make a different choice. It sounds like want her to do something and impose it on you rather than you choosing to do it because it would be what you think is best for you. to me that's sort of keeps you in a victim situation which may be what's comfortable.This break would be the perfect time for you to see if you need less therapy or not if that's what you want. Instead of focusing on the therapist and what she does or doesn't do, and figure out what works for you to cope or not. You don't need her permission to do that. And since she's gone right now anyway you could practice it and see how you do without her and without constantly putting it in terms of what she does or doesn't do. Wanting her to make the decision is probably a natural human desire - but you could take your responsibility for what you want and do it anyway. It's like knowing a relationship is over but wanting the other person to leave first – it doesn't change the pain or the reality of a loss of a relationship it just keeps you stuck in it while you're waiting for the other person to act so that you can react. I'm suggesting you try acting rather than reacting. Anyway just a thought

I can see how I’m falling into a victim mentality. I know I need to be the one who changes the relationship. She won’t, for one. Two, it’s my responsibility to make my own decisions. AND it’s so hard to let go of what your heart desperately craves. I do need to practice distance while she’s on her leave. I have actually been doing pretty good with distractions and keeping myself busy. Plus, still no breakdowns. Not even crying. I wonder if I’m numb or have I just been prepared enough that I actually was ready for this? I’m not saying I don’t hurt or miss her. Just that it’s not affecting my daily life.

I can see myself in it when you say, maybe L is doing this for herself. I have broached that topicc to my last two or 3 ts and let me tell you - no wait, to all my ts - boy they shut me down hard and fast on that one. That is really crossing a boundary. That is slamming your richard in a chest of drawers. I would assume! Not necessarily a thing to avoid. A thing to confront in yourself so you can move on.

I’m still coping. I think I measure my success on whether or not I have a full cry. And I haven’t. I’ve teared up writing some texts, but no crying. Is that a good thing or bad thing?

I’m also still leaning towards only using T when necessary. I know it’s not wise to go without a therapist completely, but I don’t think I need her every week. We’ll see.

I got upset last night about something L texted. She claimed to understand my feelings because she’s had to wait for news after someone was in labor or after a surgery. Like no! I’m not notified of the labor and being notified of the birth could take days depending on if T checks her texts. I’m left in the dark for a long time. Like I don’t even know when to start worrying and praying, so I’m left doing it constantly.

Tonight, I cried.

I'm sorry, Scarlet,

And I'm also proud of you.
I know how hard it can be to let the feelings out.

You make a very good point about being left to worry constantly.

Might there be some way that T can offer practical support with that?

You'd hope that T would check her texts nearer L's due date, so that you could be kept informed.

Sending hugs, if wanted.

Lost

Thanks for the hugs, Lost.

Last night was hard. I was finishing up my weekly update email and was on the processing the week part. And that triggered so many feelings. H heard me crying and came out to watch a show with me and then cuddled with me afterwards.

Maybe it’s not a healthy thing to not be crying. Maybe the healthy thing is to cry to let emotions out like you said. But damn, last night’s cry was painful.

I truly don’t know how T can support me. Like I truly don’t want anything to do with her. I don’t want to reach out about last night’s pain or anything else going on.

I would hope T checks her texts more frequently right now, but I just don’t trust her. L said she told T she was going to text her when the baby is born, but when I brought it up with T, she said she didn’t know that.

Right now, I’d rather see pdoc than T, so that’s saying a lot since pdoc has anxiety about everything about me.

My pleasure, Scarlet.

Thank you for continuing to share your process.
I can relate to your reluctance to let things out.

I hope there's a way through this that is less painful for you.

Hugs,

Lost

I don’t remember if I mentioned, so sorry if I’m repeating. I bought a small dotted notebook book for art. I’m hoping that when L comes back, we can trade it back and forth and do art. I might have to get her her own for two reasons: 1. She said she might take awhile to return the book because she doesn’t know how long it will take her. And 2. I have been doing art almost everyday and I might fill up the book (90+ days might equal 90 pieces of art). The art has really helped me keep busy and also a little connected to her.

I am starting to feel a little detached from L. Minus last night crying, I feel like I don’t remember much of our relationship. I feel the emotions, I know extreme events, I hold so much love for her, but the details are already starting to fade. I’m not sure I like that. For someone I basically centered my world on to start fading away after only one week is sad to me. L said it might happen again like last time: the lack of emotional object constancy. Still, one week in? I must be numbing myself, but not consciously or on purpose.

I told L about the detachment feelings. She says it’s a feeling of dissociation. That it’s my body trying to help me with the pain. She said I’ll “recalibrate” after we’re back together. She said to trust my multitudes and my wise mind. And that emotional weather doesn’t change the blue skies.

Ahhhhh!!! Some stupid AMFT supposedly claiming she can treat me even though NOWHERE does it state she treats BPD and chronic SI. So my insurance is claiming I can’t see T because of this woman. I just left her a voicemail and email. I’m going to be pissed if she holds her ground and tries to force me to see her. I was a little mean and told her I felt she was inexperienced. She is! She’s in training. I don’t trust her even if I was desperate for a therapist.

I might not be seeing T consistently because of this.

Yikes,

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.
It's really important for you to have support from someone you feel comfortable with at the moment...and it sounds like this new person isn't it.

Are there other options?

Crossing my fingers that something helpful emerges soon.

Hugs,

Lost

My delusion of being L’s daughter is now dead. My heart breaks.

My grief is so big tonight. Losing someone I wished could finally have a mother and grieving the daughter I will never have. My two biggest griefs.

Ugh, I'm really sorry, Scarlet. You'd definitely want someone with more experience. It's not fair if they deny you seeing T and force you to see someone inexperienced without any expertise in areas you need.

Big hugs, if wanted. Does this mean that L had the baby? (Just a guess.) Or just the grief really hitting you? Sending you lots of care and support.

I left the therapist a voicemail and email stating the situation and if we could talk. She did write me back. Get this: she’s actually not contracted with my insurance. So my insurance referred me to someone who isn’t and has never been in their company/network. So my analyst at DMHC said she relay this to my insurance. Thankfully, the therapist wrote me in a text so I have physical evidence of her position.

My insurance isn’t actually trying. They’ve given me 4 name and all have not worked out. The analyst says my insurance is really “digging into their heels”. I wonder why this person at my insurance is fighting so hard. They’re not trying to find anyone and I doubt if they let me have the SCA it won’t reflect poorly on them. Like they get fired if they allow so many approvals? Or maybe they’re just a mean hateful person taking their anger out on members? I know they’re technically doing their job, but I really doubt they can find someone.

Yes. L had her baby. I cried all night. I had to take my anxiety med because H didn’t have time for me.