No one believes me.

I recently chatted with my old friend, who saw my ex only several times. My friend likes him, like many others. And some people don't talk with me now, because they think he was perfect and loved me so much.
But those were people not so close to me, well, I don't have many people.
The best friend of my ex told me he is a narcissist many times, and I didn't get it. Actually, my ex stopped talking with his best friend and forbade me to communicate with him, his wife and his friend. Minus 3 people, because they told the truth to him.
My ex said it causes him pain, that I speak with them.
And he said many times the words I remembered today:
'I would never harm you, no one wants to live with damaged or sad people', - and my mind is blowing now when I understand he was lying all the time.

You are vulnerable, if you love. But no one asked me to love him. Thanks god, I left and now can sometimes cry if I want. Actually can do a lot, but except learning and working, I don't want anything. I can't eat normally, and I can't afford to weigh a little less, it's unhealthy.
It's hard to feel all this alone. I have a therapist tomorrow, but today I just went here. I wanted to write down a lot, but the story was awful. There is no sense in this, to write down another same story.

How long will it be? When can I start feeling better?

Glad to see you are a member of the MSF community! I am sorry you are still trying to dig out from under all the misconceptions and undoable expectations that happen when anyone is in a relationshiop.

They say that losing a romantic partner is comparable to the loss due to death. The relationship that one had such great hopes of fell far short of what was hoped for. Grief is a long process in my experience. The more I turn toward grief and letting go of those expectations, the less sad I am.

For me finding joy involved reinventing myself after the losses and trying a new creative expression. If you want some online activiities that could help bring back the joy, either reply to this post or private message me by clicking on CANDC to the left of this message and on the popdown menu select "Send Private Message to CANDC."

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Yes, I would like to know more about online activities you mentioned, @CANDC

Everything feels different, much brighter and scarier at the time. All ups and downs are exaggerated.

This is just a sample @volsinchy of what helps me.

Healthy Mind is an app for Android or Iphone that helps develop mindfulness. No ads or purchases. Univ of Wisconsin. Very helpful.

5 Minute Tai Chi and Adrienne's Complete beginner yoga on youtube.

Volunteering or just responding to other people's posts here on MSF

Creativity that you enjoy like music, art, handicrafts

Tell me more about your interests and I may think of more

CANDC

My therapist seems to be very annoyed because of my bad camera.
I feel like it's my fault I can't provide her good conditions.

The same advices I got from AI.
Unfortunately, I don't draw, because it's my work. I don't like any handicrafts and already do yoga.

I really need some human (before I was talking only with AI) that can give me advice with my current situation. It's rough, I'm in a lot of debts and my cards were blocked (the only way I received money online).
I wish I knew some people that can give an advice. I am alone and only crying.
I am applying to jobs, but in terrible pain, because the salary will be on the card and it can be blocked too.

Cards blocked because of debts for the house where I lived in childhoos (my mother and grandmather couldn't afford to pay and collected an enormous debt). When I grew up they wanted me to earn, but I hardly couyld speak with people.
And I can't get disability, because in out country it costs A LOT (only judjes and other officials have disabilities and receive enormous help to their salaries). I need to pay a lot to receive very little, so I didn't do it.

I don't know, I just want to say this. AI makes me sick.
I want to leave this country, but I afraid it's too late. I won't be released with such debts.
(and I spent money on necessary things, the worst part of it).

I failed a lot because felt so bad with him. Now I am alone. I couldn't receive advice from him either, but it was an illusion I'm somewhere, I have some home.

I decided to change therapist. I had one appointment yesterday with one candidate; the other will be on Wednesday.
People say it's hard to find your best therapist, but it seems to be true. Actually, the second was quite better.
I hope I will find a person that will help me get through this.

I hope your therapist works out for you. There are some brilliant ones out there, you just have to find them!

Thank you.
The second therapist also only listened. But the third—he has a medical education as a psychiatrist—was very professional. He didn't ask about unnecessary things, defined my problem in half an hour, reacted properly, and decided on the topic of the next session (manipulation and personal boundaries). He even gave me a homework.
I hope we will continue.
He was the only person, that said narcissists are like ill people, they behave like this from childhood and can't be other. I was wondering, why people are so different. Now I'm closer to the answer.

From everything, I now know, I have come to a conclusion. I felt bad for a reason, my ex is a psychopath with a narcissistic personality disorder (even some of my friends fell in love with him and do not believe me), and I found myself in a situation that many have been in. This is good, it means that a way out has already been found.
I asked how this is possible, why do people do this? It turns out that some have been used to getting what they want through manipulation since childhood. Excessively, because at first everyone does this.
The hardest thing is to survive this period of realization. That so many problems that I had no idea how to solve disappeared as soon as I accepted the truth. And a lot of problems appeared also... I spent too much time on him.
I already understood once, but forgot. In the summer of 2017, I learned the truth, and the next morning I forgot. It was so painful.
Well, I think so. And not because he made me forget, he is not omnipotent, but he can do a lot. And now I will do anything, spend huge amounts of not-even-my-money on therapists, look for solutions everywhere, including online. And write what I think, because I was not allowed to think for a very long time. And there is nowhere to write, Twitter posts are short for example, other places empty.
Sure I can write in a copybook, but I was alone too long. It's good that I found this forum among all the other stuff. I was missing something like this, a place where there are people who have seen some sh*.

I believe you!

Thank you, @Raven1976 !
I've come to realize how important it is to have someone on your side during the process of recovery from narcissistic abuse. Actually, most of the people we knew chose to believe him (but now I know who I can trust).
This forum along with a couple of real friends are keeping me on the surface. And twitter (mostly I argue there to learn how to defend my boundaries).
I’ve stopped crying completely and I can actually see dreams again. I hadn’t remembered them for a long time, but now they’re starting to return!

I have bought a little Christmas tree for myself. It's the first time; maybe some members of the forum gave me an idea.
I never did this before and I have no Christmas decorations (later I'll buy something in the shop), but when I was in a bus with it, one woman said it is so beautiful. It was so nice)
Here it is:

My New Year's party was cancelled, all because I decided not to let myself be pushed around. It will be lonely, but it's better to be alone than with just anyone, right?
I made a postcard for friends, and he reacted rudely. I started asking questions, but sometimes people are just used to being like this and don't want to change anything.
Sitting in the bathroom, listening to a series of explosions in my city.
I bought some decorations from a local store for my little tree."

I spoke with my therapist about the person who caused me to cancel the party and why they were acting so strangely.
He explained that there are many types of toxic people, and while some can adapt, they often exhibit manipulative, indifferent, and unempathic behaviors. I realized that I did everything right in that situation.

Hopefully, one day I will meet a normal person.

I feel almost the worst in the past month. Every person I contact reveals a person, that behaves like my ex.
I feel like I am that horrible creature that terrors everyone (a couple of times before the relationship I was told that it is not true). I am clinging to such people immediately. But these contacts are not too long. I don't stand their rude behavior and insist on talking about this. And all my thoughts are unheard, and I understand, that I am talking to a wall.
I decided not to communicate at all for now.

I am so sorry you’re feeling this way, @volsinchy, It’s very traumatic to experience situations like this. I’ve had periods where I have shut myself away, to protect my own mental health. However, longer term I’m not sure this is helpful.

Therapy/counselling helped me with this. I do choose very carefully who I spend time with now, and exclude people who have zero interest in me. This is usually where I have come to realise that I’m either in a one-way relationship or I’m actually being deliberately hurt by someone. That said, there are other friendships that I pick and choose when I want to interact, but in a limited way. I think interaction with others is necessary for good mental health, but sometimes I have to put my defence barriers up first; a bit like a boxer might wear a head guard to make sure they don’t get hurt unnecessarily.

I’m getting better at analysing situations, and working out who really benefits me and who doesn’t. But, sometimes, I need to take a complete step back from everyone to reset myself and my expectations.

As an aside, I have realised that I am a hyper-sensitive person, and this makes friendships difficult, as I know I have ridiculously high expectations, I over-analyse everything, and I am prone to misinterpreting situations and people. I’m trying to bear this in mind when I interact with people.

I think I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings and situation.